Knowing what we know by Simon Armitage
The Elf Story (Part one)
The Elf said to Kevin:
You're probably wondering why I'm sitting here at your breakfast table this morning, helping myself to your toast and cereal. I'm here to make you a very special offer. You could call this a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
Today, is the 11th December and this is a very special day for you. You are exactly forty-four years and thirty-six days old and that is exactly how long you've got left. Let me do the maths for you Kevin. You are going to live until you're eighty-eight years and
seventy-two days. And you have just crossed the halfway line.
Now Kevin. You have two possibilities: You can carry on - continue your life and pretend that we never met. Or you can accept my offer and let me flip the hourglass of life.
Do you see what I'm saying Kevin? Instead of getting older, you'll be getting younger. I've got all
the forms. All you have to do is sign here. And it's goodbye incontinence, hello Ibiza.
What do you say Kevin?
The Elf Story (Part two)
The arthritis in Kevin's shoulder had been painful recently. He was starting to go bald and his
beer belly was getting bigger every year. The elf was right - this was a very special offer.
Kevin imagined how fantastic it would be to go back to his youth, knowing all the things that he
knows now.
But what about Annie - the woman he loved? The woman he loved more than anything in the
world? The only woman he had ever loved? What would happen to her? Would it be fair if, while
Kevin was wearing fashionable T-shirts, she was losing her teeth?
No! I made a promise to Annie and I'm going to keep it. I won't do it. I won't sign.
The elf said:
Well Kevin, there aren't many gentleman left in the world. But you are one of them. And your
Annie - well, she is one in a million. She is a fantastic woman: beautiful, attractive, gorgeous,
outgoing.
Yes - a great woman Annie. I had breakfast with her just the other day. And I'll tell you something:
she's looking younger every day.
And then the elf clicked his heels together and he was gone.
Thanks so much to Mr. Keddie!
María.
